


Avoidant/Restrictive? I Probably Wouldn't Open With That

by xilluminax



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Autistic Papyrus, Disordered Eating, Eating Disorders, Gen, Papyrus Has Issues, Papyrus Needs A Hug, Papyrus-centric, sensory issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-02
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-09-03 13:16:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8715454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xilluminax/pseuds/xilluminax
Summary: Papyrus had never really understood what was supposed to be enjoyable about eating...





	

**Author's Note:**

> Will I ever write something that's not Papyrus-centric? I mean, like, Sans and Undyne are there this time so that's a step in the right direction, isn't it?

He could feel the hard stare of those analytical eyes burning into his skull, silently taking in his every little movement, every grimace that threatened to pull at his mouth. Like the coward he was, he couldn’t bear to look at them and so kept his own eyes trained downwards at the rapidly cooling bowl before him. Down at his side, obscured by the table, his hand had begun flapping back and forth in a wild and erratic manner; the only outward sign of his inner panic. His other hand held the spoon, hovering over the bowl whilst he continued trying to build up the willpower to scoop some of the lukewarm liquid up.

Papyrus felt his jaw clench. Oh, God, the liquid! Why was Sans so insistent on soup of all things? Just the color itself was not particularly pleasant to look at and that was already putting him off. Though he supposed he could understand Sans’ reasoning; all of the ingredients he’d used were Papyrus’ known safe foods and it was clear that Sans had gone through the painstaking effort of cutting the vegetables into as small of pieces as possible. And yet… just knowing they were hidden in there was making Papyrus’ bones crawl and the idea of unwittingly coming across a chunk of solid but soggy food amongst the liquid food just, urgh… The smallest groaning sound escaped from him before he could stop it as his mind tried to chase away the phantom sensation of the food travelling down his throat. Any more of that and he feared he might just work himself into a full-blown panic. At some point, the wild flapping of his hand had grown even more manic, to the point where it was actually kinda starting to ache, but he knew if he stopped, he’d just fall to pieces and he didn’t want Sans to have to pick those pieces up. That seemed especially unfair.

A small cough roused Papyrus from his thoughts, which he had to admit was a welcome interruption, though he was sure whatever next came from Sans’ mouth wouldn’t ease his anxiety in the slightest. “Uhh, y’know, I, ahh… I ain’t put poison or anything in it, bro,” his brother said with a weak chuckle as he scratched the back of his neck, “It’s not gonna, like, y’know, _hurt_ you or anythin’.”

Papyrus swallowed, swallowed down both his nerves and his annoyance because, yes, he _did_ know that, thank you very much! He wasn’t simple, for goodness sake! With a clenched jaw, he raised his head to snap this fact at his sibling only for the words to catch in his throat as he met Sans’ eyes. His brother was smiling, same as ever, his posture just as slumped and relaxed as ever.  And yet… Papyrus would admit that of all the things that he was great at, being able to read people was not one of them. Being slapped in the face with the highly confusing fact that people so rarely said and did what they actually meant had been a particularly harsh blow for someone who was so content with taking things at face value, for someone who found searching for the subtext in every little thing a person said and did both exhausting and irritating.

And then there was Sans who, if anything, excelled at being able to detect and analyse the tiniest, seemingly insignificant – to Papyrus anyway – changes in facial expression. Papyrus supposed that if they were a duo, it made sense that they’d each compensate for the other’s shortcomings. But if there was one person he _absolutely_ knew how to read, it was Sans. He _had_ to know how because, as much as Sans happily would fill Papyrus in on the social cues and subtleties that he missed, the elder brother was _notorious_ for committing the same offences himself. Scanning over his brother now, Papyrus noticed how the corners of Sans’ smile were pulled a little too tight, so that it resembled more of a pained grimace than a smile, and, on second glance, his brother’s slumped and relaxed posture was in fact not relaxed at all! The hand resting on the table twitched and his phalanges drummed against the wood in a manner too erratic to be considered relaxed, plus his shoulders seemed to be tensed. Now that Papyrus thought about it, the amount of scrutiny that Sans had been giving him should have tipped him off that Sans was in fact not okay with this.

He was worried, of course he was worried. Worried about Papyrus of all things! The lump in Papyrus’ throat was beginning to feel as though it had grown three sizes and was choking him. He swallowed again, coughing a little in an attempt to cover it, “Yeah, I know…”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sans shift and fidget in his seat, saw his hand go up to rub at the back of his skull, “Hey, look, bro, y’don’t have to do this if you don’t wanna. I’m not gonna _make_ you do anything.”

Papyrus’ head snapped back up to his brother, “No! No, I said I’d do it and I-I will. I just…” He glanced down at the bowl for a moment and the flapping of his hand finally stopped, “Just give me a minute, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he registered that his arm ached like hell, maybe he should focus on that and the guilt gnawing at his soul. That seemed like a good distraction. Letting out a deep sigh through his nasal aperture, Papyrus dunked the spoon into the soup before any stupid thoughts could interrupt him. When he brought it out, he squirmed under the realization that he’d accidently scooped up way more liquid than he was comfortable with. Shrinking under his brother’s watch, he allowed a few drops to fall off until he was left with an adequate amount that he hoped wouldn’t seem like too little. One step at a time.

“Okay, you’re doing well, bro,” Sans piped up and Papyrus could only nod in response. Taking a deep breath, he began to bring the spoon to his mouth…

…Only to stop halfway.

_“What if it’s bad?”_

Mentally shaking himself, he tried again.

_"It's gonna be bad..."_

Oh, God, this is what happened when he let his thoughts get through and now that he’d let his thoughts get through, it was impossible to stifle them. Up close, he couldn’t ignore how disgusting the liquid looked to him, the smell was making him feel sick even though it was made up of foods he’d eaten before, and- and what if the taste wasn’t any better? His hands, for once not sheathed by his gloves, felt clammy and he had to adjust his grip on the spoon to keep from dropping it. How embarrassing…

_“Just eat this one spoonful, that’s all you have to do…”_

It was so stupid! The absolute worst thing that could happen right now was that he simply might not like the taste, for goodness sake! Why was that such a terrifying thing to him?! It was like Sans said; it wasn’t going to hurt him! Why was he being so stupid, why couldn’t he just power through this instead of forcing everyone around him to accommodate his stupid, childish habits?

Papyrus tried again to bring the spoon to his mouth, but couldn’t get his arm to move. He also couldn’t get his jaw to unclench. A small groan escaped him as he fidgeted on the chair whilst trying to be careful not to spill any of the liquid on his spoon. Or maybe he _was_ trying to spill it, he wasn’t too sure.

_“Okay, this time… Now! Do it!”_

His jaw unclenched but his arm still refused to move. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t. He wasn’t going to like it. The taste was going to be too strong. It wasn’t similar enough to his safety foods. It had probably gone cold now, that would just make it taste worse. What if there was a lump in there that he hadn’t seen? He couldn’t do it.

_He couldn’t do it…_

_He couldn’t do it…_

_He couldn’t-_

“I’m sorry!” Papyrus cried, dropping the spoon back into the bowl and digging his phalanges into his skull, “I’m sorry, I-I can’t!”

From across the table he heard the smallest little sigh from his brother before Sans leant over and squeezed his elbow in a way that anyone but Papyrus would find painful, “It’s alright, Paps, you tried…”

He didn’t have to see Sans to know that he must be terribly disappointed in him.

“I’ll make something else, alright? Let me do the cooking tonight, yeah?”

Papyrus nodded, which only made his head swim more, before Sans hopped down and headed to the kitchen with the bowl. As soon as Papyrus heard the sounds of him clattering around in the kitchen and knew he was completely out of sight, he dropped his arms onto the table and placed his head on them, trying to ignore the heaviness of his soul and wanting nothing more than for the ground to open up and swallow him.

* * *

 

Overall, he would describe it as a pretty good cooking session, with minimal damage no less! That was a first, and the spaghetti even seemed to be of a relatively good standard!

Undyne seemed pretty surprised at this turn of events herself and gave Papyrus a large, toothy grin as she finished wiping the tomato chunks off the wall. Papyrus watched for a moment, noting that it was fortunate that he’d decided to wear his “comfy clothes” today given the amount of food stains that now covered them. He didn’t wear them too often and would have hated if he’d stained any other clothes.

“So!” Undyne cried, throwing the rag down with an aggressive flourish and putting a hand on her hip, “I’d say we didn’t do too badly!”

Papyrus beamed, puffing his chest out, “Not too badly at all! In fact, I would say that, in actual fact, we did very well indeed!”

 “Hell, yeah!”

Papyrus really hadn’t realized how much he had needed this today. Though there had been nothing particularly remarkable or stressful about today - or even the last few days - sometimes the pressure of having to be on constant watch out for when he was speaking a little too loud, for when his constant movements, gestures and odd noises were starting to freak people out, for when he was edging a little too far into people’s personal space to be comfortable, would leave him both mentally and physically drained to the point where just maintaining a conversation with someone felt like a colossal effort. And so, he cherished the weekly training and cooking lessons he had, where he could blow off steam and be as loud and as “eccentric” as he wanted with someone who didn’t seem at all bothered by the way he would sometimes wave his arms or rock on the spot or hum loudly enough that anyone else would find it annoying.

Wow, he was really lucky to have a friend like Undyne! He’d have to work especially hard to make sure their friendship remained as strong as it was!

“Hey, Pap? Aren’t you gonna eat any of it?” Undyne’s asked and Papyrus’ breath hitched whilst his arm stilled from spooning some of the pasta into a plastic container. The all-too-familiar flutter of anxiety settled in his ribcage and he drummed his fingers against the counter. He should have been expecting this. He should have expected that the conversation would eventually turn to this, but... instead he'd clung onto the desperate hope that maybe he could just avoid it.

“O-Ohh, umm… actually, I… I already ate before I arrived! So, I’ll just take some back for Sans, he really seems to love it. Oh! And you, you should eat some, too!”

“Oh, jeez, that’s… real great of you, Paps, but… c’mon, man, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you eat any. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever really seen you _eat!_ ”

It was becoming increasingly apparent that, no, he would _not_ be able to just avoid it.

“Lies and hyperbole! You’ve stayed at my house, you’ve seen me eat,” Papyrus replied, turning to face her and finding that for some reason he was now hugging himself. He shrugged, “Besides, I much prefer to make food for other people anyway!”

Undyne had folded her arms across her chest and was frowning at him. Her one good eye, Papyrus could see, was narrowed and her eyebrows were furrowed. He was drawing a complete blank on what that might mean, which was particularly worrying considering Undyne wasn't exactly the subtlest of people.

Papyrus sighed and forced a smile, “It’s fine, Undyne, I just don’t like eating in front of people. It makes me… kinda uncomfortable.”

Undyne seemed to consider his words for a moment and Papyrus hugged his ribs tighter, relishing in the pressure it created. Then Undyne’s posture relaxed and she barked a laugh, “Is that it? Why didn’t you just say so, ya dork?!”

It took every ounce of self-control for Papyrus not to let out a sigh of relief at those words. Instead, he turned back to the counter and busied himself with filling up the container, sealing it and placing it in his bag.

"But, like, really? You'd be uncomfortable eating in front of _me?_ "

Papyrus' soul felt like it had just been turned blue. God, why did this have to come up now of all times?

"It's not-! I mean, it's nothing to do with you, it's just me being, you know, weird, nyeh heh..."

"Oh, crap, no, c'mon, Pap, I didn't mean to make you feel bad about it!" Undyne cried, holding her hands up, "Aw, dammit..."

"I'm sorry, I just..." Papyrus exhaled and rubbed the back of his head, "nyeh heh, I'm kinda _weird_ when it comes to food!"

"Don't apologize, you dork!" Undyne growled, earning a barely suppressed flinch from her friend, "And, uhh, yeah, don't take this the wrong way but that doesn't surprise me.  It's not a bad thing, I mean! But, yeah, hardly a shock."

Papyrus wasn't too sure how he should respond to that, or if he even  _should_ respond or just let it go. A change of conversation would be great right about now, but he wondered if his avoidance would be obvious if he were to try it. As it was, he opted to just laugh it off, that usually worked, didn't it? Undyne, meanwhile, had moved to lean against the counter, one arm resting on its surface and a smirk on her lips.

“Hey, you ate earlier? Dude, tell me it wasn't oatmeal.”

“It may have been.”

“Urghh, Pap, how can you eat that stuff so often?”

“Quite easily actually! Umm, if you’re having trouble, Undyne, it tells you how you can prepare it on the box, you know?”

“No! I mean, like, it’s so _bland!_ Doesn’t that get boring every day?”

Papyrus blinked and smiled. “Not at all,” he replied, opting to leave out the part about that being the _reason_ it was his safety food, that it had been like a damn miracle when he'd discovered the stuff as a child. After all, including that stuff would probably make the atmosphere in the room become very uncomfortable and the last thing he wanted was to make his friend feel uncomfortable.

“Like, you could eat that forever and never get bored of it?”

“I don’t know, probably.”

Undyne sighed and let out a small laugh. “Y’know what? Whatever makes you happy, nerd,” she said, clapping her friend on the back.

 A nagging voice in the back of his mind told Papyrus that this was most certainly going to come back to bite him and that he wouldn't be able to dodge the subject forever, especially once he became popular and had many friends! But, right now, he was just happy that Undyne was being so understanding.

He was very lucky indeed to have a friend like her.

**Author's Note:**

> Working Title: "I Didn't See THAT in the DSM", which would have been a lie anyway.
> 
> Bleh, I need to get back into writing properly.
> 
> (Just as a sidenote, this type of eating disorder has nothing to do with body image and everything to do with anxiety and sensory stuff).
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> My Tumblr: https://xilluminax.tumblr.com


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